so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Randomize
