and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
Randomize
