I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I just woke up and realized I puked in my boxers WTF.
You stay classy.
The worst part was I forgot until I tried to put them on.
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Randomize
