I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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