3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
On a side note I can sing drakes “best I ever had” so good you’d think I was on degrassi.
You have to stop making references to your extense knowledge of 13 year old girl television programming for me to believe you aren’t homo. The Bravo line-up was one thing, but seriously
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
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