Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
I called him and he said hell call me back hes in the middle of his kareokee song he was out by himself and his dog
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Oh my God it's like my cock was dipped in lava
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
Randomize
