the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
Randomize