Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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