im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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