The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Craig, a bottle of Jamison, and I had a party on the roof last night. No idea how I got down. My injuries indicate fall...
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Only you would try street racing in a Volvo.
Randomize