It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Randomize
