actually, I'm a sock model
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
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