i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
