woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
god. I was just thinkin about the fact that there was a time in our life when we didn't drink.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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