Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Could guys at least pretend I require some amount of money to be spent before I randomly go down on them?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
And for some reason I was covered in ants... So your probably covered in ants as well
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
Randomize
