got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
