We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
Randomize
