On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
Randomize
