I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I don't drink during the week.... well, except for Bailey's Tuesdays, which I have to start implementing further.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
i was too drunk before they even got here. i took all their phones instead of keys and hid them in the freezerr...im an awesome party host.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
Randomize
