Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize