i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
