I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
we used a blowdryer last night to warm up our left over pizza..it worked perfectly at first..but then the chili powder got into his eyes..
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