can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
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