My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
