I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
