dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
I think someone cast a spell on the lazy stoner rich boy stereotype and it came to life and called me.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
