i know ur right I'm sorry I'm stupid and incompitent look I can't even spell incompetent right! Fuck!
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
