im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
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