it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
