Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
Both our collective sex appeal dies once someone cums on a snuggie kayla
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
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