There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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