"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
3pm strippers are depressing
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I think my moral compass just broke
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
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