I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
I apologized for the whole SWAT team incident to the roommate.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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