I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
when some dude came up to you and said he didn't like your shirt you just looked at him and firmly asked if he really thought that you gave a fuck.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
