ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!
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Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
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