i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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