My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
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