I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
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