Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize