Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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