I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
you were running down the aisles of wal mart singing 'follow the yellowbrick road'. i'm pretty sure you thought the night shift workers were the munchkins & started crying when they wouldnt help u find the wizard. needless to say u were pretty stoned/wasted
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
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