Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
you thought your tounge was "malfunctioning" because every time u spoke it wouldnt sit still.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
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