Soap is not a condiment
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
I thought that since they were twins... they would be equally as good in bed
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I woke up with his condom in my mouth. I actually use them now you should be proud of me.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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