I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
Randomize
