Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Apparently, Lolla sends you an email every time you use your wristband to buy a beer.
21 new emails...yikes
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Randomize
