Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My butt remains clenched, sir.
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
I just mixed tangerine juice with sauv blanc. on an unrelated note, my episide of intervention is slated to run in April.
Randomize
