question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
All i've had today is coffee and ketchup packets. I need a job like yesterday.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
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