So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
Shower wine is way better than shower beer.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
Randomize
