we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
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