you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
