Best walk of shame ever - Brown Hennesy shirt, bright blue overly large basketball shorts, stilettos from night before - ended up buying a ton of 40's and a 30 pack of coors.
Where are you?
A place I should not be.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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