happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
Randomize
