I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize