hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize