Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
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