i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Randomize
