Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
Randomize
