I just made friends with the guy at the coffee shop in borders. And by that I mean he stared at me until I was uncomfortable and left.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Just smoked pot with a guy who has apparently been living in the woods for over a month. He just walked out of the woods. This is not real life.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I'm sad about how hungover I'm gonna feel tomorrow.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
