the condom got lost in my hair
Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Randomize
