i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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