you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
