what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
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