I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
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