: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Still dying that you shit outside
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
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