Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year
wow. THAT good huh
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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