i wokr up in ohio with no clothes. i think someone gave me ecstacy. can you come find me please it's cold.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
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