I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
