If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
People with herpes should wear stickers.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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